I never published this back in April of 2012..... wishing I had written here during the whole pregnancy.....
Well, in the aftermath of the 8 week gestation miscarriage, after weekly blood tests to make sure my hgc level went back to 0, I am again pregnant. Hooray! Yikes! Wow!
Having used NFP for several years, I am pretty in tune with how my fertility manifests itself, and yes, I knew before the 0 test that I had ovulated. I thought it was the clearest of signs and was fairly sure even just a few days later that I was, in fact pregnant again.
In my security, er insanity, I even looked up the possible due date- it is on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception- December 8th.... How incredibly awesome that is, I can only begin to tell you, for my middle name is for Our Lady and her Immaculate Conception (Concetta) and I have a devotion to The Immaculate Conception (one of Our Lady's many names). I took a few home pregnancy tests that came up negative, and then a few days later thought I should be getting my period, so I took another, this showed a very faint line, so I took another an hour later, very faint line- I worried that it was an evaporation line, as it was a cheap test, so I used a couple of coupons and went and bought a good one at the store, it showed positive, on the faint side, but unmistakable.
In my emotional state after the recent miscarriage I took yet another test a couple of days later and it seemed fainter, which gave me a little concern. Thankfully, a call to my ob/gyn got me another couple of blood tests- the first came back at 91 iIU, which the nurse told me was low (I looked it up on-line, and it is well within the normal range for the baby's gestational age, but it should double every 2-3 days- so I went back today and should have an idea how this pregnancy is going tomorrow. I do think that I feel the symptoms more than I did with the pregnancy during the miscarriage, but I don't trust myself to be objective right now. Thank goodness for the blood test. Time will tell...
This has taught me to enjoy each day- we had the first positive tests on Saturday and had a huge Thanksgiving meal on Sunday- we didn't tell the kids why, yet, and I am happy for another day with this precious soul. I can't say I don't ache to hold and love and kiss this baby, for I do- terribly, and hope that the due date is a good sign the baby will make it. In any event, I do know that Our Blessed Mother is always near, and that is enough for now.
Friday, November 28, 2014
Lots to catch up on
Wow, it's been almost 3 years since I last posted..... I conceived again immediately after recovering from the miscarriage. I now have a sweet precious daughter that turns 2 tomorrow. I think I will have go go back to reflect on the many blessings she has brought to our lives.
After reading the 5 entries here, I am so glad I wrote then, but wish I had documented the journey with baby M. I knew when she was conceived, even though the doctors doubted me because there wasn't a full cycle after the miscarriage. I told them the due date which was later confirmed by ultrasound- she was due on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception- December 8th, 2012..... I feel as I did with the child that was miscarried right before my 5th child (MJ) that he has a special advocate in Heaven that keeps an eye on him, and prays for him.... Baby MC has this special connection with Mary John....
I remember taking my children with me to an appointment to hear MC's heartbeat for the first time, and they couldn't find it.... we were sent across the hall to wait for the ultrasound tech and AM who was 5 years old says to me.... "does this mean the baby died?" It was so hard to remain calm and answer him that "no, it only means we need to see the baby today to make sure he/she is ok.."
We were all so happy to see that beautiful little heartbeat.
The pregnancy was uneventful, like my other pregnancies. Most people don't believe me, but other than the tiredness, I feel better than when I am not pregnant. I do have some nausea but that's it, usually. I didn't feel her move as much as I had hoped, but I wonder if that was just her, or that I had so much scar tissue.
I started her Christening gown in September. I knitted it. I had to re-do from the beginning the bodice as I tried several times unsuccessfully to attach the skirt.... I did finally get it, but I lost a lot of time. I was working on it late at night on the 28th of November while watching a movie with my husband and K. We were planning on a c-section on Monday the 3rd.... I had 4 c-sections before this, so I had no choice when they would do it, actually, I was glad to go so close to my date, as they took AM too early for my liking.....
I was off all day on the 29th and stayed in bed, knitting. Around 4:00 in the afternoon, when I got up to go to the bathroom my water broke. This is the only time I had that happen, they had to break it for me with my first two, and the rest were c-sections.... normally it isn't a big deal, but my hospital is over an hour away and I had to get someone to watch the kids and there is a chance of uterine rupture as the contractions grow stronger..... this had me a little tense, and it was so strange to have the gush and need the towel in the car.
We ended up bringing the dog with us on the way, to drop him off at my friend Michelle's (she was his breeder and offered to take him for us) then we headed to the hospital... This was another thing that made our MC's arrival unique....
When we got there, around 5:45 pm I was put in OB triage and nothing seemed to be working right, the blood pressure cuff, the fetal heartrate monitor and I needed a blood draw (I was supposed to go for that the next day) but they couldn't find a vein. (I didn't drink much while in bed all day, which is unusual for me) they finally sent for a phlebotomist and she was able to get the blood and put in the iv (if I remember correctly) I remember being cold and I remember the anesthesia student had to call another doctor in as the only doctor on call to supervise was too busy.... I remember the contractions in the car were getting worse and worse, but once I got settled and was at the hospital I must have relaxed, for they slowed down.
When I finally got into the operating room around 10:00 PM or so. The ansethesiology intern tried three times to get my epidural in. I remember that I had excruciating pain just from him pressing on my spine to find where to insert it, and not understanding why that would hurt, apologizing for crying about nothing, and trying to remain calm and breath and pray to Our Blessed Mother to help me.... finally the Anesthesiologist took over and got it in first try. I then remember being cold. Finally Mark was able to come in and the doctors started. I had some adhesions that slowed it down a little but she was finally born at 10:22 pm.
In the recovery room the respiratory monitor would go off unless I took deep breaths, but I was too tired to do that, and the nurse was worried that my blood pressure was low, but it seemed none of the monitors worked on me that night, and I was fine. Even the space boots they put on to make sure the circulation in my legs weren't hooked up right and I remarked that they didn't seem to be filling. It turns out they weren't!
MC did very well and had no problems with the monitors, I was so happy to look at her and hold her.
There is a great story about my nurse that I have to share next blog. I will mention that I didn't finish her Christening gown until we came home from the hospital, but I had to work quickly (I only had an hour or two left of work) but the sacrament was scheduled for 9 days after her birth- on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception.
After reading the 5 entries here, I am so glad I wrote then, but wish I had documented the journey with baby M. I knew when she was conceived, even though the doctors doubted me because there wasn't a full cycle after the miscarriage. I told them the due date which was later confirmed by ultrasound- she was due on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception- December 8th, 2012..... I feel as I did with the child that was miscarried right before my 5th child (MJ) that he has a special advocate in Heaven that keeps an eye on him, and prays for him.... Baby MC has this special connection with Mary John....
I remember taking my children with me to an appointment to hear MC's heartbeat for the first time, and they couldn't find it.... we were sent across the hall to wait for the ultrasound tech and AM who was 5 years old says to me.... "does this mean the baby died?" It was so hard to remain calm and answer him that "no, it only means we need to see the baby today to make sure he/she is ok.."
We were all so happy to see that beautiful little heartbeat.
The pregnancy was uneventful, like my other pregnancies. Most people don't believe me, but other than the tiredness, I feel better than when I am not pregnant. I do have some nausea but that's it, usually. I didn't feel her move as much as I had hoped, but I wonder if that was just her, or that I had so much scar tissue.
I started her Christening gown in September. I knitted it. I had to re-do from the beginning the bodice as I tried several times unsuccessfully to attach the skirt.... I did finally get it, but I lost a lot of time. I was working on it late at night on the 28th of November while watching a movie with my husband and K. We were planning on a c-section on Monday the 3rd.... I had 4 c-sections before this, so I had no choice when they would do it, actually, I was glad to go so close to my date, as they took AM too early for my liking.....
I was off all day on the 29th and stayed in bed, knitting. Around 4:00 in the afternoon, when I got up to go to the bathroom my water broke. This is the only time I had that happen, they had to break it for me with my first two, and the rest were c-sections.... normally it isn't a big deal, but my hospital is over an hour away and I had to get someone to watch the kids and there is a chance of uterine rupture as the contractions grow stronger..... this had me a little tense, and it was so strange to have the gush and need the towel in the car.
We ended up bringing the dog with us on the way, to drop him off at my friend Michelle's (she was his breeder and offered to take him for us) then we headed to the hospital... This was another thing that made our MC's arrival unique....
When we got there, around 5:45 pm I was put in OB triage and nothing seemed to be working right, the blood pressure cuff, the fetal heartrate monitor and I needed a blood draw (I was supposed to go for that the next day) but they couldn't find a vein. (I didn't drink much while in bed all day, which is unusual for me) they finally sent for a phlebotomist and she was able to get the blood and put in the iv (if I remember correctly) I remember being cold and I remember the anesthesia student had to call another doctor in as the only doctor on call to supervise was too busy.... I remember the contractions in the car were getting worse and worse, but once I got settled and was at the hospital I must have relaxed, for they slowed down.
When I finally got into the operating room around 10:00 PM or so. The ansethesiology intern tried three times to get my epidural in. I remember that I had excruciating pain just from him pressing on my spine to find where to insert it, and not understanding why that would hurt, apologizing for crying about nothing, and trying to remain calm and breath and pray to Our Blessed Mother to help me.... finally the Anesthesiologist took over and got it in first try. I then remember being cold. Finally Mark was able to come in and the doctors started. I had some adhesions that slowed it down a little but she was finally born at 10:22 pm.
In the recovery room the respiratory monitor would go off unless I took deep breaths, but I was too tired to do that, and the nurse was worried that my blood pressure was low, but it seemed none of the monitors worked on me that night, and I was fine. Even the space boots they put on to make sure the circulation in my legs weren't hooked up right and I remarked that they didn't seem to be filling. It turns out they weren't!
MC did very well and had no problems with the monitors, I was so happy to look at her and hold her.
There is a great story about my nurse that I have to share next blog. I will mention that I didn't finish her Christening gown until we came home from the hospital, but I had to work quickly (I only had an hour or two left of work) but the sacrament was scheduled for 9 days after her birth- on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Gifts from my Mom
I wrote this out 4 years ago, when we had just started our home-schooling journey. It is about my dear mother and how she continues to give me gifts of faith- actually, I have been thinking of her a lot lately, as she died long before my children were born, and she must be happy to have the two precious babies that I miscarried with her. I normally wouldn't presume anyone is in heaven, but she had such great faith and suffered so much with her Scleroderma, most of her purgatory just had to be here on earth.
I was at my father's house recently with my children, and I asked him
if I could take some of my mother's books- (my dad gets headaches from
reading, especially in English- he was born in Italy).
My mother had great faith and most of her books are Catholic. She died more than 19 years ago, and I am the only practicing Catholic left in our family.
I have taken a few books here and there over the years, and am amazed thatGod's
timing is so awesome. I found two very special treasures. One is an Ave Maria reader, the other is called My Name day- come for dessert.
I hadn't heard of the Ave Maria readers until that same week, when I was going through my Seton lesson plans and they were mentioned, so it immediately caught my attention. Then I opened the book up and found this inscription:
" December 1973
When I was a very small child my mother's friend Mary Stack gave me this book. It had belonged to her son , who was getting too old for such books (how lucky for me!) I had many happy hours reading the beautiful little stories in this book. Now I would like to pass this most beloved book on to my daughter, Cristina. It is getting a little old and some of the pages are ripped or torn, but I hope Cristina enjoys these stories as much as I did.
Her Mother,
Evelyn"
With tears in my eyes and many thoughts running through my head, I showed this to my father and told him that Mom had just given me a gift. I do not remember this book from my childhood, but I fondly remember my grandmother's friend Mary Stack and her husband, as they lived up the street from my grandparents again in the 1980's (at the time the book was given to my mother - the 1950's- they all lived in East Boston). I am now reading this book to my four children.
The other is a book that an on-line Catholic friend highly recommends. I remember her mentioning it in the recent past and instantly recognized this as another tool to help me celebrate the liturgical year, and feast days. There are many wonderful ideas to celebrate the different Marian feast days and each are a little different. (BTW- this is available for download at EWTN.com) This book also has a little of my mother in it as she wrote her name and 'Christmas 1978' inside. This is wonderfully amazing as I have just started homeschooling and I am trying to build my library to help us celebrate the feasts of the church.
As I told my father, I consider these books gifts from my dear mother, whom I miss so very
much. God knew when she inscribed them and put them on the
shelf that I would find them now, when they have more meaning than at
any prior period in my life. His timing is awesome, and I can't explain how I
missed them over the years, except that He wanted to give me these
gifts now. I continue to grow in respect and awe of Our Lord,
and also in respect for my dear mother- I always admired her faith in God and His Church, and I am sure she is responsible for my re-version to the faith (I was barely luke-warm for many years after her death). What a privilege that God is allowing her to continue to teach
me and my children the faith she so loved even now- almost 20 years after her death.
I was at my father's house recently with my children, and I asked him
if I could take some of my mother's books- (my dad gets headaches from
reading, especially in English- he was born in Italy).
My mother had great faith and most of her books are Catholic. She died more than 19 years ago, and I am the only practicing Catholic left in our family.
I have taken a few books here and there over the years, and am amazed thatGod's
timing is so awesome. I found two very special treasures. One is an Ave Maria reader, the other is called My Name day- come for dessert.
I hadn't heard of the Ave Maria readers until that same week, when I was going through my Seton lesson plans and they were mentioned, so it immediately caught my attention. Then I opened the book up and found this inscription:
" December 1973
When I was a very small child my mother's friend Mary Stack gave me this book. It had belonged to her son , who was getting too old for such books (how lucky for me!) I had many happy hours reading the beautiful little stories in this book. Now I would like to pass this most beloved book on to my daughter, Cristina. It is getting a little old and some of the pages are ripped or torn, but I hope Cristina enjoys these stories as much as I did.
Her Mother,
Evelyn"
With tears in my eyes and many thoughts running through my head, I showed this to my father and told him that Mom had just given me a gift. I do not remember this book from my childhood, but I fondly remember my grandmother's friend Mary Stack and her husband, as they lived up the street from my grandparents again in the 1980's (at the time the book was given to my mother - the 1950's- they all lived in East Boston). I am now reading this book to my four children.
The other is a book that an on-line Catholic friend highly recommends. I remember her mentioning it in the recent past and instantly recognized this as another tool to help me celebrate the liturgical year, and feast days. There are many wonderful ideas to celebrate the different Marian feast days and each are a little different. (BTW- this is available for download at EWTN.com) This book also has a little of my mother in it as she wrote her name and 'Christmas 1978' inside. This is wonderfully amazing as I have just started homeschooling and I am trying to build my library to help us celebrate the feasts of the church.
As I told my father, I consider these books gifts from my dear mother, whom I miss so very
much. God knew when she inscribed them and put them on the
shelf that I would find them now, when they have more meaning than at
any prior period in my life. His timing is awesome, and I can't explain how I
missed them over the years, except that He wanted to give me these
gifts now. I continue to grow in respect and awe of Our Lord,
and also in respect for my dear mother- I always admired her faith in God and His Church, and I am sure she is responsible for my re-version to the faith (I was barely luke-warm for many years after her death). What a privilege that God is allowing her to continue to teach
me and my children the faith she so loved even now- almost 20 years after her death.
one month
Yesterday was one month since the actual miscarriage- as I left off there on my first ever post, it is a good time to finish the story.
I have been doing much better than I expected I would, but certain things can get to me, I suppose that is healthy and natural. It may be that I am still in crisis mode, like I was for the month or more after my mother died. I didn't feel the full impact of her passing until at least a month later when I was back in college. Last night a friend posted this song on facebook and she dedicated it to all her friends who have suffered the loss of miscarriage- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlDUkp1Ts8A&feature=share
I sobbed through the entire song-TWICE.
My OB/Gyn wanted me back for a follow up ultrasound later that week, I chose Friday to give my body time without intervention, but I did e-mail my wonderful naturopathic doctor to see what my natural options were if things didn't happen on their own.
I had the actual miscarriage the next afternoon (Wednesday), and Mark was home early from work that day,which is unusual, and I suspect Our Blessed Mother had her hand in that.
I was not prepared for the intensity of the cramping, I had to use a heating pad and practice some breathing techniques I learned in the birthing class I took before K was born- the worst only lasted a few hours, but my uterus was sore through the weekend, and I wasn't prepared for that, either, as early as the pregnancy was.
When I went back for the follow up, the ultrasound probe hurt the entire time yet in all the previous appointments for internal ultrasounds, the worst feeling was a slight pressure. Another surprise. Again, thankfully, Mark had taken a half day because of an outing I had long planned to spend with my daughter, so I was able to go to this appointment alone, then spend that time with M.
Sunday evening I drove K to his youth group and spent time with a friend and in adoration while he was at his meeting, a wonderful way to end the week, and once again Our Lord gave me a great peace about the miscarriage and the strength I would need a few days later when we had to say goodbye to our old lady dog.
I am so blessed with wonderful friends, that have supported me in many ways, like the one that I talk to when I am upset, one who lives a few hours away and sent me this book- "After Miscarriage" by Donna Marie Cooper O'Boyle, which is very comforting, and another added me to her' support after miscarriage group' on facebook, and my sister-in-love, Kim who called to check on me several times over then next days and weeks. But the one thing that helped me the most was sent by the same friend that sent me the book- it is a poem by mother Angelica- parts of this poem touch the deepest part of my heart, like a soothing balm, and I do thank You, Lord, for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.
Read more: http://www.ewtn.com/devotionals/prayers/miscarriage.htm#ixzz1qbhshAXr
I have been doing much better than I expected I would, but certain things can get to me, I suppose that is healthy and natural. It may be that I am still in crisis mode, like I was for the month or more after my mother died. I didn't feel the full impact of her passing until at least a month later when I was back in college. Last night a friend posted this song on facebook and she dedicated it to all her friends who have suffered the loss of miscarriage- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlDUkp1Ts8A&feature=share
I sobbed through the entire song-TWICE.
My OB/Gyn wanted me back for a follow up ultrasound later that week, I chose Friday to give my body time without intervention, but I did e-mail my wonderful naturopathic doctor to see what my natural options were if things didn't happen on their own.
I had the actual miscarriage the next afternoon (Wednesday), and Mark was home early from work that day,which is unusual, and I suspect Our Blessed Mother had her hand in that.
I was not prepared for the intensity of the cramping, I had to use a heating pad and practice some breathing techniques I learned in the birthing class I took before K was born- the worst only lasted a few hours, but my uterus was sore through the weekend, and I wasn't prepared for that, either, as early as the pregnancy was.
When I went back for the follow up, the ultrasound probe hurt the entire time yet in all the previous appointments for internal ultrasounds, the worst feeling was a slight pressure. Another surprise. Again, thankfully, Mark had taken a half day because of an outing I had long planned to spend with my daughter, so I was able to go to this appointment alone, then spend that time with M.
Sunday evening I drove K to his youth group and spent time with a friend and in adoration while he was at his meeting, a wonderful way to end the week, and once again Our Lord gave me a great peace about the miscarriage and the strength I would need a few days later when we had to say goodbye to our old lady dog.
I am so blessed with wonderful friends, that have supported me in many ways, like the one that I talk to when I am upset, one who lives a few hours away and sent me this book- "After Miscarriage" by Donna Marie Cooper O'Boyle, which is very comforting, and another added me to her' support after miscarriage group' on facebook, and my sister-in-love, Kim who called to check on me several times over then next days and weeks. But the one thing that helped me the most was sent by the same friend that sent me the book- it is a poem by mother Angelica- parts of this poem touch the deepest part of my heart, like a soothing balm, and I do thank You, Lord, for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.
My Lord, the baby is dead!
Why, my Lord—dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?
“Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’? Well, I will tell you why.
You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty—he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”
I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool—forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity. -- Mother M.Angelica
Read more: http://www.ewtn.com/devotionals/prayers/miscarriage.htm#ixzz1qbhshAXr
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
New Life in Springtime
We have 29 baby chicks in our home-made brooder- bustling and cheeping and wonderfully alive- we look forward to giving some to friends that ordered them with us, to M showing them in 4-H, and the delicious fresh eggs. Mostly, I just love watching them live- they are more soothing to me than an aquarium full of fish.
Last night, I learned that a dear friend from my youth saw her first grand-child for the first time- a dear, sweet baby girl was born last night, and her grand-mother called me to tell me about her. Wow. Life goes by so quickly.
Pam and I became close friends in junior high school, we rode our bikes across town to each other's homes and called each other daily. We were the kind of friends that when I worried that she was anorexic, I went to the school nurse with another friend. Boy, was she mad at first, but, somehow she realized we did it because we care so much. When we got to high school, she just vanished and I don't remember seeing her at all after the first few months (she ended up going somewhere else)
She found me on Facebook a few years back and we picked up as if no time had passed, she is the same wonderful girl I remember riding bikes with. She married young and started her family early- which was what I had hoped to do. We both had 4 children when we started talking again (then along came my MJ)....we still had a lot in common....
Last fall she told me that her oldest daughter, a college freshman was expecting a baby- she told me how upset she was, but how abortion was NOT an option, how she supports her daughter, and loves her daughter and her grandchild. I remember when we were kids her family always blamed her for anything that didn't go right (remember we were in Jr. High, so we were a little over-dramatic) but she did have things tough at home, and recently, her parents gave her a hard time for her daughter's condition, yet she persevered- she is strong, and does her best for those she loves. Once again, I was amazed by my wonderful friend- reminded why I have always loved her- she was meant to be in my life and encourage me. Thank you, God for wonderful life-loving friends, especially for this friend, I thought for many years I had lost her forever, for this friend who came back into my life and is a rich blessing.
Last night, I learned that a dear friend from my youth saw her first grand-child for the first time- a dear, sweet baby girl was born last night, and her grand-mother called me to tell me about her. Wow. Life goes by so quickly.
Pam and I became close friends in junior high school, we rode our bikes across town to each other's homes and called each other daily. We were the kind of friends that when I worried that she was anorexic, I went to the school nurse with another friend. Boy, was she mad at first, but, somehow she realized we did it because we care so much. When we got to high school, she just vanished and I don't remember seeing her at all after the first few months (she ended up going somewhere else)
She found me on Facebook a few years back and we picked up as if no time had passed, she is the same wonderful girl I remember riding bikes with. She married young and started her family early- which was what I had hoped to do. We both had 4 children when we started talking again (then along came my MJ)....we still had a lot in common....
Last fall she told me that her oldest daughter, a college freshman was expecting a baby- she told me how upset she was, but how abortion was NOT an option, how she supports her daughter, and loves her daughter and her grandchild. I remember when we were kids her family always blamed her for anything that didn't go right (remember we were in Jr. High, so we were a little over-dramatic) but she did have things tough at home, and recently, her parents gave her a hard time for her daughter's condition, yet she persevered- she is strong, and does her best for those she loves. Once again, I was amazed by my wonderful friend- reminded why I have always loved her- she was meant to be in my life and encourage me. Thank you, God for wonderful life-loving friends, especially for this friend, I thought for many years I had lost her forever, for this friend who came back into my life and is a rich blessing.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
More adjustments
I still need to finish writing about Mary-John, but we suffered another loss exactly a week after the miscarriage- our 14 yr old labrador retriever, Ruger.
We 'adopted' Ruger and her litter-mate Cooper before we had our house, before we had our children- they grew up with her- (Cooper died 6 years ago of Cushing's disease, he was my partner in fly-ball and we used to travel together for competitions, which allowed me to meet a lot of wonderful dog people and their wonderful dogs- his death came shortly after the death of my beloved grandfather)
She was the absolute best family dog- always patient, always the last one up to bed at night, so she could keep an eye on us. She let the kids sit on her, poke her in the eye and generally just love her. No matter how rough they were, she kissed them and loved them with all her dog heart. She was not the athlete that Cooper was, and she used to make us laugh when we took them to a lake and threw the water kong toy- Cooper would swim and swim to retrieve it, then Ruger, standing in chest high water would ambush him and either bring it to us herself, or they would bring it together. After being let outside, she would do her business, then sit on the deck looking in, and often whining, while Cooper would sit on the steps of the deck looking over the lay of the land- protecting the borders of his territory. They were a wonderful pair and we were blessed to have them in our lives.
Four years ago, we almost lost Ruger due to pancreatitis- I was not ready then, she was our only dog, my constant companion during my first years transition from working mom to full time mom and teacher, during adjustment to life without my grandfather and Cooper she was a constant in our ever changing family (as was my dear husband, but he was not always here- he DOES leave the house to work and run numerous Cub Scout/Knights of Columbus meetings)- I remember sitting in Church weeping, as there was a 24 hour period she may not make it.
I talked to a holy friar about it, and realized that while pets are wonderful, it is disordered to be overly attached. This is not to say that pets are not gifts of God- they are, but she was almost more important to me than God, and therein lies the disorder. In the four years since, I tried to pet her more and spoil her more, but at the same time, put my priorities back in line- with prayer God helped me to do this.
Ruger was less than thrilled when we brought home Strider last year. He was a 7 week old puppy and very excited to see her when he arrived, but she quickly showed him she was his superior. I was very happy to get a puppy from a friend's litter, and to hopefully keep Ruger going a little longer. Strider loved her and if he wasn't lying at my feet he was lying touching her. She never really appreciated him, for she never did like to share our love, but she tolerated him- unless our friend Father N was visiting, or she was having a petting session from Mark, whom she adored. I'm not sure if she would have lasted longer as the only dog, but I think it helped that Strider loved her so much.
I do think that having Strider helped to lessen the blow, and I don't feel like she was 'replaced' for that would be impossible, anyway.
The last 8 months she really declined in health- her back left leg not working as she wanted it to, which prevented her from coming upstairs to bed- this was hard on her, as she always wanted to be in the same room as we were. After she adjusted to that, she started having more frequent seizures (she had them since she was two) and having accidents in the house. Finally she would need help to get on her couch and down the front stairs, sometimes. Then she couldn't get up when she fell, and would cry. We made the decision to put her down after the second day of that, and after more frequent seizures. She made it 3 days past her 14th birthday, and she had a wonderful life. Mark, K and I buried her in the yard under the weeping pussy-willow tree. We are almost relieved, there is no more worry about the next seizure or the next fall, but there is no more calm, loving presence, either.
In the end, we thank God for his 14 year gift of Ruger, and the lessons He taught us through her.
We 'adopted' Ruger and her litter-mate Cooper before we had our house, before we had our children- they grew up with her- (Cooper died 6 years ago of Cushing's disease, he was my partner in fly-ball and we used to travel together for competitions, which allowed me to meet a lot of wonderful dog people and their wonderful dogs- his death came shortly after the death of my beloved grandfather)
She was the absolute best family dog- always patient, always the last one up to bed at night, so she could keep an eye on us. She let the kids sit on her, poke her in the eye and generally just love her. No matter how rough they were, she kissed them and loved them with all her dog heart. She was not the athlete that Cooper was, and she used to make us laugh when we took them to a lake and threw the water kong toy- Cooper would swim and swim to retrieve it, then Ruger, standing in chest high water would ambush him and either bring it to us herself, or they would bring it together. After being let outside, she would do her business, then sit on the deck looking in, and often whining, while Cooper would sit on the steps of the deck looking over the lay of the land- protecting the borders of his territory. They were a wonderful pair and we were blessed to have them in our lives.
Four years ago, we almost lost Ruger due to pancreatitis- I was not ready then, she was our only dog, my constant companion during my first years transition from working mom to full time mom and teacher, during adjustment to life without my grandfather and Cooper she was a constant in our ever changing family (as was my dear husband, but he was not always here- he DOES leave the house to work and run numerous Cub Scout/Knights of Columbus meetings)- I remember sitting in Church weeping, as there was a 24 hour period she may not make it.
I talked to a holy friar about it, and realized that while pets are wonderful, it is disordered to be overly attached. This is not to say that pets are not gifts of God- they are, but she was almost more important to me than God, and therein lies the disorder. In the four years since, I tried to pet her more and spoil her more, but at the same time, put my priorities back in line- with prayer God helped me to do this.
Ruger was less than thrilled when we brought home Strider last year. He was a 7 week old puppy and very excited to see her when he arrived, but she quickly showed him she was his superior. I was very happy to get a puppy from a friend's litter, and to hopefully keep Ruger going a little longer. Strider loved her and if he wasn't lying at my feet he was lying touching her. She never really appreciated him, for she never did like to share our love, but she tolerated him- unless our friend Father N was visiting, or she was having a petting session from Mark, whom she adored. I'm not sure if she would have lasted longer as the only dog, but I think it helped that Strider loved her so much.
I do think that having Strider helped to lessen the blow, and I don't feel like she was 'replaced' for that would be impossible, anyway.
The last 8 months she really declined in health- her back left leg not working as she wanted it to, which prevented her from coming upstairs to bed- this was hard on her, as she always wanted to be in the same room as we were. After she adjusted to that, she started having more frequent seizures (she had them since she was two) and having accidents in the house. Finally she would need help to get on her couch and down the front stairs, sometimes. Then she couldn't get up when she fell, and would cry. We made the decision to put her down after the second day of that, and after more frequent seizures. She made it 3 days past her 14th birthday, and she had a wonderful life. Mark, K and I buried her in the yard under the weeping pussy-willow tree. We are almost relieved, there is no more worry about the next seizure or the next fall, but there is no more calm, loving presence, either.
In the end, we thank God for his 14 year gift of Ruger, and the lessons He taught us through her.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
What a week it has been. Most people don't talk about miscarriage, it is personal, painful, but I will forever love the baby that I will never hold, she/he should not be forgotten- I want to document his/her short life so I can remember and maybe share what I have learned.
We had been trying to conceive for at least 5 months, not with charting, but with the telltale signs my body gives. With all our other children, we conceived right away, no waiting, no negative pregnancy tests. This time I am older and things were different. I had started to think I had missed my last chance, and having passed the age of 40 I had blown it. I had digestive issues over the past year and finally felt well enough to give a baby a good strong start. It was only after being extremely irritable and emotional for several days that I put two and two together on the day my period was due. Somehow, I think I knew from the start- even as the two pregnancy tests came up positive way under the 3 minutes....... I was thrilled, but cautious. I prayed from the start to be able to be at peace with God's will with the pregnancy, as I know the odds, especially now that I am older.
We had been trying to conceive for at least 5 months, not with charting, but with the telltale signs my body gives. With all our other children, we conceived right away, no waiting, no negative pregnancy tests. This time I am older and things were different. I had started to think I had missed my last chance, and having passed the age of 40 I had blown it. I had digestive issues over the past year and finally felt well enough to give a baby a good strong start. It was only after being extremely irritable and emotional for several days that I put two and two together on the day my period was due. Somehow, I think I knew from the start- even as the two pregnancy tests came up positive way under the 3 minutes....... I was thrilled, but cautious. I prayed from the start to be able to be at peace with God's will with the pregnancy, as I know the odds, especially now that I am older.
In the single month that I knew this child was in my womb, a thousand dreams and plans were made for him/her. I love this child, talked to this child, planned and dreamed of the coming months and years with this child. I started knitting a challenging (for me) layette for this child and ordered a book with christening gowns for I wanted to make the gown for what would likely be my last child. I was trying to live as if my prayers were answered, I wanted to be positive. As the weeks went on and I felt fine (other than over-emotional) I would tell people, that I feel good, too good. I did. I am usually exhausted by 6 weeks into the pregnancy, but I was hopeful that my improving vitamin D levels were making all the difference.
I shared my news with a few friends, I knew I wanted and needed support and prayers and Mark wanted to keep it quiet until we told family- we told the kids on Ash Wednesday, and got mixed reactions, which quickly turned all positive, except for Keith, who never really said much. Aaron and Seth were thrilled, especially Seth as he has been praying for a baby sister for a very long time. (he prayed for the baby that died and for a baby sister tonight at Mass) Then we told Mark's parents and grandparents- I told my brother and sister and was planning to call my father over last weekend, but as he worries about all my c-sections, I knew he would be nervous and I just wanted support, so I put it off. Actually I still have to talk to him, but I am sure he will say it is for the best and I don't think I can handle that right now.
When I saw the first early signs, my fears surrounded me. I called the doctor and went into the office for an ultrasound. Thank goodness, Keith and Melanie were able to stay in the waiting room with the little ones, and the staff was very good to them. The same ultrasound tech was on that was there with my almost too early to call it a miscarriage at 4 weeks in February 2009. She wasn't terribly sensitive to my loss then, and made a snide comment when I came back just a month and a half later after Matthew was conceived. Thankfully, she was better this time. As she kept looking I asked if I could see, she said that maybe my dates were off and it was still too early, the yolk sac was measuring 5 and a half weeks, not 7 and a half, the baby had not developed. They didn't say blighted ovum, so it may or may not have been, and at the follow up she said something that made me think there was a start of a child, but either way, the soul entered into the picture at conception, before the cells split and started making the yolk sack and all the support structures and the child him/herself- the soul is more real than the body- this precious child of mine and Mark's will see the face of God for eternity- what a truly awesome thing to ponder.
I had to go back to the waiting room with the children to wait for the doctor- I struggled to hold back the tears. I told them it didn't seem like good news. The doctor confirmed it, she asked how I was sure of my date, had I been trying? (so hard for doctors to think we might actually welcome and want 6 children) then said that as I was sure of my dates, that I was having an early miscarriage. I asked if it was a molar pregnancy (confusing the term with blighted ovum) she quickly said "no, no! That is when the cells do damage to you, it was nothing like that, just an early miscarriage" she did say she was sorry somewhere in there.........
They sent me for blood-work, but of course the lab was closed for lunch, and I couldn't get the rho-gam shot (I am Rh negative and Mark is positive, so I need to get it so that any future children that are rh+ won't be attacked by my body) until after the blood was drawn. She told me that I could go get some lunch, then to the Glastonbury office/ blood drawing station which are in the same building, and where I normally go for ob/gynn appointments. I went to the car with the children, got them all in, and called Mark from outside the car. I think that is when I started sobbing, and continued off and on, while driving to Glastonbury. I got subway sandwiches for the kids, and then got my blood drawn and got my shot, and made an appointment for Friday to make sure my body had done what was needed......- To top off the day, Matthew had a really bad blow out and couldn't wear his pants and neither Keith, nor Melanie could find the last diaper in the car, or the spare pants- so I ended up carrying him out of the office naked from the waist down and dressing him in the car.
When Mark got home, he brought me yellow roses (my favorite) and candy and later went for chinese food. Matthew made us laugh at dinner by first eating off Seth's plate as fast as he could when Seth went to get a drink, and when Seth was at the fridge actually switching his plate with Seth's! I don't know why it looked so different than the food on his plate!
God in His infinite goodness knew what I needed that night- HIM. I thought about going to Eucharistic Adoration, as I go there in joy and sorrow, and don't calm down until I have, but Father N. had a mission going on at his parish I thought I would go and be with Jesus in the tabernacle while hearing a holy priest talk about the faith. What I found when I got there was that it was a Penance service. I heard the end of the talk on God's mercy and then sat with Our Lord for 2 hours while everyone else went to confession- I was the last for Fr. N. but both lines were even right until the end. How loving God is- not only did Jesus' presence in the tabernacle console and strengthen me for the coming days, but I also got to go to him face to face in the sacrament of reconciliation, and he cleansed me of my sins, so that I could receive more of the graces I needed in the coming days. What a loving God!
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