What a week it has been. Most people don't talk about miscarriage, it is personal, painful, but I will forever love the baby that I will never hold, she/he should not be forgotten- I want to document his/her short life so I can remember and maybe share what I have learned.

We had been trying to conceive for at least 5 months, not with charting, but with the telltale signs my body gives. With all our other children, we conceived right away, no waiting, no negative pregnancy tests. This time I am older and things were different. I had started to think I had missed my last chance, and having passed the age of 40 I had blown it. I had digestive issues over the past year and finally felt well enough to give a baby a good strong start. It was only after being extremely irritable and emotional for several days that I put two and two together on the day my period was due. Somehow, I think I knew from the start- even as the two pregnancy tests came up positive way under the 3 minutes....... I was thrilled, but cautious. I prayed from the start to be able to be at peace with God's will with the pregnancy, as I know the odds, especially now that I am older.

In the single month that I knew this child was in my womb, a thousand dreams and plans were made for him/her. I love this child, talked to this child, planned and dreamed of the coming months and years with this child. I started knitting a challenging (for me) layette for this child and ordered a book with christening gowns for I wanted to make the gown for what would likely be my last child. I was trying to live as if my prayers were answered, I wanted to be positive. As the weeks went on and I felt fine (other than over-emotional) I would tell people, that I feel good, too good. I did. I am usually exhausted by 6 weeks into the pregnancy, but I was hopeful that my improving vitamin D levels were making all the difference.

I shared my news with a few friends, I knew I wanted and needed support and prayers and Mark wanted to keep it quiet until we told family- we told the kids on Ash Wednesday, and got mixed reactions, which quickly turned all positive, except for Keith, who never really said much. Aaron and Seth were thrilled, especially Seth as he has been praying for a baby sister for a very long time. (he prayed for the baby that died and for a baby sister tonight at Mass) Then we told Mark's parents and grandparents- I told my brother and sister and was planning to call my father over last weekend, but as he worries about all my c-sections, I knew he would be nervous and I just wanted support, so I put it off. Actually I still have to talk to him, but I am sure he will say it is for the best and I don't think I can handle that right now.

When I saw the first early signs, my fears surrounded me. I called the doctor and went into the office for an ultrasound. Thank goodness, Keith and Melanie were able to stay in the waiting room with the little ones, and the staff was very good to them. The same ultrasound tech was on that was there with my almost too early to call it a miscarriage at 4 weeks in February 2009. She wasn't terribly sensitive to my loss then, and made a snide comment when I came back just a month and a half later after Matthew was conceived. Thankfully, she was better this time. As she kept looking I asked if I could see, she said that maybe my dates were off and it was still too early, the yolk sac was measuring 5 and a half weeks, not 7 and a half, the baby had not developed. They didn't say blighted ovum, so it may or may not have been, and at the follow up she said something that made me think there was a start of a child, but either way, the soul entered into the picture at conception, before the cells split and started making the yolk sack and all the support structures and the child him/herself- the soul is more real than the body- this precious child of mine and Mark's will see the face of God for eternity- what a truly awesome thing to ponder.

I had to go back to the waiting room with the children to wait for the doctor- I struggled to hold back the tears. I told them it didn't seem like good news. The doctor confirmed it, she asked how I was sure of my date, had I been trying? (so hard for doctors to think we might actually welcome and want 6 children) then said that as I was sure of my dates, that I was having an early miscarriage. I asked if it was a molar pregnancy (confusing the term with blighted ovum) she quickly said "no, no! That is when the cells do damage to you, it was nothing like that, just an early miscarriage" she did say she was sorry somewhere in there.........

They sent me for blood-work, but of course the lab was closed for lunch, and I couldn't get the rho-gam shot (I am Rh negative and Mark is positive, so I need to get it so that any future children that are rh+ won't be attacked by my body) until after the blood was drawn. She told me that I could go get some lunch, then to the Glastonbury office/ blood drawing station which are in the same building, and where I normally go for ob/gynn appointments. I went to the car with the children, got them all in, and called Mark from outside the car. I think that is when I started sobbing, and continued off and on, while driving to Glastonbury. I got subway sandwiches for the kids, and then got my blood drawn and got my shot, and made an appointment for Friday to make sure my body had done what was needed......- To top off the day, Matthew had a really bad blow out and couldn't wear his pants and neither Keith, nor Melanie could find the last diaper in the car, or the spare pants- so I ended up carrying him out of the office naked from the waist down and dressing him in the car.

When Mark got home, he brought me yellow roses (my favorite) and candy and later went for chinese food. Matthew made us laugh at dinner by first eating off Seth's plate as fast as he could when Seth went to get a drink, and when Seth was at the fridge actually switching his plate with Seth's! I don't know why it looked so different than the food on his plate!

God in His infinite goodness knew what I needed that night- HIM. I thought about going to Eucharistic Adoration, as I go there in joy and sorrow, and don't calm down until I have, but Father N. had a mission going on at his parish I thought I would go and be with Jesus in the tabernacle while hearing a holy priest talk about the faith. What I found when I got there was that it was a Penance service. I heard the end of the talk on God's mercy and then sat with Our Lord for 2 hours while everyone else went to confession- I was the last for Fr. N. but both lines were even right until the end. How loving God is- not only did Jesus' presence in the tabernacle console and strengthen me for the coming days, but I also got to go to him face to face in the sacrament of reconciliation, and he cleansed me of my sins, so that I could receive more of the graces I needed in the coming days. What a loving God!